There are times in life when changes creep up on you. Those incremental changes sometimes happen so slowly that you can’t define where one phase ends and the other begins. Those changes are amazing and beautiful in their fluidity, but this is not one of those times.
This is a moment that can best be understood by those that have, like me, stood at the edge of the “really” high diving board while trying to gather the courage to jump.
As a child at the end of swim lessons, I made the decision that the risk was too great. I let the fear that gripped my lungs and heart steal the show. I slowly and painfully climbed back down the ladder to the safety of the ground below. I regretted it almost immediately.
Today, I am back on that diving board. I am standing at the edge of a change that will radically change my life. As I have debated this decision, I have felt that old familiar grip of fear clutching my heart and lungs. It is that tightness in my chest that has paralyzed me so many times before. Fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of failure. Fear of letting go of something good to reach for something better. Fear of…so much.
I have done the calculations. I know the cost/benefit analysis. It’s in favor of the change. I have talked to my husband. We have discussed the pros and cons. They’re in favor of the change. I have prayed for God to give me clarity, discernment and peace. He’s in favor of the change.
So what am I waiting for? As I talked it over for the tenth time this weekend, I suddenly realized that, in truth, I already knew my decision. All of the debate and discussion in the world won’t change the simple fact that in order to get into the pool, you finally have to just jump.
This morning, I jumped.
I am quitting my job. I am going to be a homemaker. I am going to be a mother and wife. I am going to give my family and the creation of our home my first fruits, not the scraps of my time that are available to them when I work 8 to 5, 5 days a week.
Jumping is scary. I cried as I told my family of coworkers about my decision to leave, but God knows that jumping is scary too. He has provided so much love and support to me for this decision that I am truly overwhelmed.
I know that I will experience a range of emotions during this time between The Jump and The Splash. I am sure that I will cry again, have doubts, experience fear, and try to talk myself out of the decision. In the end though, I know that the joy of being able to truly bless my family with my time and energy will be worth it all.